The Other Side of the Story
I had to turn off the television…I could not watch Diane Sawyer complete her 20/20 interview of Rihanna. Some are taking to twitter, saying that her appearance and the pending release of her new album are not coincidental…
That is immaterial to me…
What I saw was a young lady that was not taking accountability for her actions…
“What if I did hit him first?!”
Rihanna asked this rhetorical question, as if Diane Sawyer was wrong for asking, “Did you hit him first?” Rihanna then goes on to state that even if she had hit Chris that was no excuse for him to strike back…
This upset me…
I am about to get very personal with this post…
When I was Rihanna’s age, I was quick tempered…especially when it came to “him.”
I recall one incident…we were at a party…I was dancing with another guy…he brought a chair into the middle of the dance floor, crossed his arms, and was glaring at dude…dude walked away leaving me standing alone on the dance floor…the two of us were not together, and I did not take kindly to him trying to control my life…so in my anger, I rushed him, putting my hands around his throat…one of his homeboys had to separate us…
I just knew he would be upset with me…never wanting to speak to me again…yet, my attempt at choking him was the spark that rekindled our flame…
But when you continue to play with fire…you will eventually get burned…
This was not the first time I had put my hands on him…and it would not be the last…
The last time…
We got into an argument…he threatened to f* me up (he had never hit me, nor had he ever threatened to hit me before that moment). My reaction to his threat…I slapped him as I dared him to f* me up…
In that moment…I saw something that I had never seen before…unlike the blank empty look that Rihanna described in Chris Brown’s eyes…
I saw something in “his” eyes…for the first time, when I looked into his eyes I saw rage…I saw anger…and I was afraid. I just stood there looking into his eyes…like a deer stuck in headlights…being brought back by the commotion around me, I hurried out the door (yes, we were at another party)…never looking back, as his homeboys stepped between us holding him back…and removing me from the situation…
Those that witnessed this incident would approach me, telling me how they could not believe that he would try to hit me…asking me what was wrong with him…telling me how crazy he was…
Not one of them called me out on my madness! I was wrong…I was wrong the first time I hit him…and I was wrong the last…
What use to be a game to us…an act of foreplay even…changed…
I no longer recognized myself…the young lady I knew had left, and I did not like the image of the hurt hallow shell looking back at me in the mirror.
I realized I had to make a change…I also realized that I only had myself to blame.
Was her perfect…of course not. Did he push my buttons…many times.
Yet there was no excuse for my behavior…and I had to take responsibility for my actions.
This is not a time in my life that I look back upon fondly, but I can now reflect upon who I was then, and be thankful for the storm because it fostered growth…
I learned a valuable lesson…or two…
I learned that as a woman, I first and foremost must have a sense of self…not be so wrapped up in and infatuated by a man that I lose sight of me…so consumed by the heat of our passion that I get burned…disintegrating into thin air…
I also learned…
A man will only take so much before he fights back…
Women, we too must keep our hands to ourselves.
© 2009 – 2010, kelic. All rights reserved. This work is the property of the author as named above, and www.boissuq.com. No part of this work may be reproduced or redistributed, without the express, written consent of the owners as aforementioned.
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well since we’re being transparent…i have never thought i was protected by some cliched chivalric code that states a man shouldn’t ever hit a woman. everytime i did such a thing, i fully prepared to get hit back, and i was ready for it…my little stunts cost me an apartment and a cut on my arm that never healed “right” (because i slammed it through a window trying to reach back (to africa) and hit him. just like ri-ri, i too had a snap temper, and what i found it that it’s tied to a greater problem or insecurity that.
now that i’m older and done with “him”, i don’t do that mess anymore, but i also have re-adopted a level of confidence that makes it unacceptable to bow to such behavior…even if i want to slap the taste out of your mouth, i am entirely to fabulous for that mess! 
hopefully, she will, too…
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You know, I was in a relationship once where I got hit. Did I hit back? No… only because I knew one of hits was like 20 of hers. I was more afraid of getting arrested than trying to stick to some chivalric code. It’s a shame though… a lotta women think that shit’s cool. Thank God some people realize it ain’t. I feel for Rihanna. The consensus is that she hit first… and if she did, she seems to think that’s cool. She better be glad what she got was all she got. There have been others that don’t realize until it’s too late.
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From the ages of 14 to almost 16 I was in a physically violent relationship. It never came to punches. There were never physical bruises, but there sure was a lot of slapping, slamming into walls, etc. He flung the first palm, and I reacted in kind. Eventually there were times when I’d swing first. And the whole time I’d say it wasn’t abuse because I fought back. In my mind we were fighting. Eventually I came to my senses and got out of that situation (Thank GOD).
I can only imagine what would’ve happened had I stayed. You raise a good point here, though… no matter who’s doing the hitting, it’s still abuse. And yes, we as women need to keep our hands to ourselves and teach our daughters/ sisters/ cousins, etc to do the same. A man should NEVER hit a woman, but a woman should also NEVER hit a man. The only beating that’s OK in a relationship is that of the hearts.
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kelic Reply:
November 7th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
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@msgoodigoodi, Most definitely…my behavior was also fueled by insecurity…
and not only was I insecure…I was hurt…and I was lashing out…but my hits, slaps, kicks only proved to hurt me.
So, I think it’s less about me learning to control my temper…and more so about me finding myself…looking within, and not to a man for validation and proof of self worth.
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